Gift Giving

 

My good friend over at brandie-sellers.com utilized a quote by Pablo Picaso that really struck home with me ‘The meaning of life is to find your gift, the purpose of life is to give it away’. There is a difference between a present and a gift; presents are just a thbrandie-sellersing given to another, but a gift is something that they want or need and only few have the ability to give. I think I am fortunate enough to have at lease one gift even though at times I’m still not sure I fully understand it, but I hope that understanding will come through trusting my intuition and sharing what is needed and trusting that whoever needs that gift will find it.  With that said I’d like to share my moon ritual with you through out this month of November.  I think this month is perfect for me to come out with this since it is a way of giving myself a birthday gift (writing as I’ve wanted to do for so long) as well as giving it to others.

I believe in individual soul centric timing; we are faced with things when we need to face them the most.    I also feel like the moon has been asking me to learn from her for years and I’m now ready to listen. I’ve been attempting to do get myself planned out and organized so that I can stay on track of myself, and part of that is accepting that I work best in unconventional ways.  Right now I am working on many things most of which are geared towards sharing with others.  So I thought I would begin by sharing what I am working on right now, a Moon Ritual.

 

So my intentions (yes plural, I’m an overachiever) for this month are as follows post more here on my blog, write out wish lists for my new home, and to bring loved ones together.  These are specific to me and they fit the transformational energy of the moon in Scorpio.  Each are challenging in their own right.  Writing is something I do all the time but rarely do I share it, I worry that my thoughts aren’t complete and I struggle with an inner doubt that I have been working through for the last year, it is by no means gone but I am no longer allowing myself to hold back.  I am ready to take a hold of the power behind my gifts, see what comes of it and share it with others.   Making wish lists is hard for me because when I consider what I might want I always get a pang of negative emotions such as I don’t deserve to buy anything new, I can’t afford it so why even consider a purchase, and selfishness that I should allow myself to want anything considering all that I have when there are those that have less.  I’ve considered those shadow thoughts and decided that making a list doesn’t hurt anyone else, and it gives me a chance to tell myself I am worth it, and it gives me the opportunity to create what I want from what I already have limiting my financial drain while reducing my own carbon foot print and giving myself a sense of pride in my home, and finally I hope by going through and improving my own home environment I can come up with ways that I can help others who have less. My last intention and it’s challenge is very personal, I discovered that while I love deeply it is something that I’ve held close into myself and not shared my love outwardly with many people because of a fear of rejection.  Well I have experienced so much rejection in my life that I have time and time again been forced to find ways to work though and come to terms with it so that I can move on with my life and opening back up to those I love is a vulnerability for me.  So my intention for this is to allow those I know have supported and loved me and never rejected me that I do not lump them in the same file of love as those who have harmed my soul.

 

If you’d like to set your own intention and follow along with me through this next month I would thoroughly enjoy that and would like to personally invite you to do so.  I will be posting cards from my Tarot deck with the intention of passing messages along that fit the themes of: Power, Transformation, and Energetic merging.

With my intentions set I shuffled my Tarot deck and considered what message I (we) need to hear for this month.  I pulled card XXI: the World

Where you put effort into there is where your reward will lie.  What you teach yourself will show you the next lesson you need to learn.  The past cycles purpose has been served and so it is concluding.  In its closure you begin to feel an opening to the next chapter.  When considering all that you have endured to get to this point call upon your strength and be grateful that it has been with you, be proud.  Look from a place of self-love and understanding at the cycle that is coming and understand your role in it.  You have the knowledge and experience behind you to move forward with our heads held high ready to accept our gifts.

When we purposefully study/learn something we do so with intent.  We pay attention to ourselves and our relation to what we are learning.  We take our time (perhaps we even slow our own time, but that’s a separate post) and we focus on succeeding at each small step in the aim of completing an entire goal.  We take what we already knew and blend it with new knowledge or we transform it in a new dedicated way.

To find your life’s gift, be honest and easy with yourself about what makes you feel like you have the most purpose; what subjects/actions/activities give you joy AND you allow you to see how sharing it could help others.  Allow it to seep into you deeply, push away any self judgement and completely ignore any external judgement.   Embrace it.

Set steps and goals ahead of you, align them with your gift.  See yourself taking those steps, and praise yourself every chance you get! The first person who should support you IS you, and once you begin supporting and cheering yourself on your eyes will be opened to those around you who will cheer for you as well.  This becomes a cycle of itself cheering for yourself breeds cheering for others breeds others cheering for you.

It is time to embrace your passions and take some action to bring your dreams to life.  You have all the power in the world to create the happiness in your life you so desire, no more excuses.

311_-_311_-_front

I often have songs come to mind and they magically relate, I usually take that as confirmation that I’ve received the right message and so I’d like to share that with you as well.  So the song for this message from the World tarot card is 311-All mixed up with lyrics .  As a general rule when I post songs I’d like you to listen to them and imagine that you are singing them to and about yourself, no one and nothing else, just you, and the videos I link you to for this will always have the lyrics on screen, its my personal preference so I can extra double check my own intuition.

That’s all for today.

with love, always and all-ways

Mlle. Peepers

 

 

Double Edged Ace of Swords

I sat down last night to try and continue working on a piece of writing for NaNoWritMo.  I had set the book I’m writing, which if you don’t already know what it’s about then please don’t ask because it is still so new that I’m not comfortable speaking about it yet, in order to write what I am calling a thesis paper.   For those of you who do not know me I am not in enrolled in any school and am a stay at home mother.  I work sometimes outside of the home but until recently have only gained experience through my jobs and have yet to find a career because truly my dreams are not achievable within the context of those jobs. Anyways, on my down time (and by that I mean when I stay up later than everyone else in order to study and teach myself) I like to write.   I have many ideas, I would like to write thesis’ on and have not yet done so for either: lack of complete research/focus/time or lack of belief that I as an ‘uneducated’ individual would not be taken seriously in my endevours.  However the time has finally come for me to set aside all fears and go for my dreams regardless of what may come. I’m ready.   So I decided to take the month of November to write out my current thesis concept including siting my research and double checking that my concept can indeed by mostly validated by scientific study or in the very least understood by the phycological community with the idea being sound.   The thesis is entitled “The Application of Relative Synchronicity” and in it I intend to prove not only the existance of ‘physic powers’, siting examples that most everyone can relate to, but how it works within the body and psyche AND my favorite part how it can be utilized by any willing person to better and activate their life and achieve a happier more balance sense of being.  Whew!  That’s a tall order for an ‘unschooled’ housewife.  🙂

So here today, the purpose of this blog is to serve as an example of how it works from my own personal experience. I suggest you read it all as this method tends to circle back upon itself in order to make the point.

Before returning to where I left off on my thesis last night I checked my tarot cards for the day.  It was one A.M. and that is the time I have my alerts set for my tarot apps; two of my apps alert me that two of my cards for Friday,  November 13th 2015 were the Ace of Swords and that excites me because I instantly know Ace of Swords means (to me) the beginning of new conversation or form of communication and to have the same card come up out of three different decks is pretty interesting and semi-uncommon for me.   This intrigues me so much that I am compelled to go check all three of my apps to find out what the third card is. It is the Wheel of Fortune,  which to me usually means life is about to go up and in order to rightfully enjoy it one must remain balanced in the center of all goings on. Now my life is doing a lot of up right now so this is really exciting and inspiring for me.  I’m content with just viewing these tarot card images for the moment and make a note to look at them again before bed or right when I wake so I can read the apps interpretation and see if there is something else I could be looking for.  This is a fairly common practice for me as it is one way I stay in touch with myself and the universe on a daily basis. However, sometimes I skip it altogether and sometimes I focus on it.   There is no rhyme or reason except that sometimes I am more interested in the cards drawn than other days, or (like today) stand out more to me.  Here is what I was looking at:

image

Moving on from the cards,  I admittedly opened my document and my browser with four  open tabs that I am currently working with for refrence material and a fifth….Facebook.  I’m calling out my own shame here but I keep it open for momentary distractions and so I do not feel so alone in the middle of the night. I caught myself going straight to Facebook instead of working.   At first I was disappointed in myself but then I got overwhelmed by two seperate posts that I found I had opinions about and wanted to share these opinions. I soon realized that my thoughts were too deep for a few lines in the comment section.   So I began to write myself some notes thinking if it were indeed that interesting to me I could always come back to it later, AFTER I got some work done on my thesis.   In leaving myself notes I realized I needed to site where these posts came from in order to back track later so that I may respond in full accordance with my thought process.   In doing this I decided to take screen shots and ended up coloring over the identifying personal information so that I might be able to use the actual screen shot as illustration of my opinion.  I liked it so much that I decided to roll with what I was currently doing and put the thesis work aside while figuring out how to multitask this much on my phone.  My phone is capable of doing all these tasks and for the most part I simply do not take advantage of it as such a tool too often.   I had to learn and teach myself ways to work with it,  as this wasn’t really in the ‘owners manual’, or at least I didn’t bother to read and understand it as such.
I compose a rough draft of images and notes and consider going to bed (3am is normally my latest aim for bedtime, if I’m up after that there isn’t much point in going to sleep).  So in attempting to power down I close out all my apps and programs and go look at my tarot cards again so that I can have an idea of what to look for tomorrow.   This time I don’t just look at the images but I read each interpretation in turn.  I will come back to this at the end of this article, but first I would like to share what distractions so caught my focus.  
 
The first was a video of a man being shot 10 times in the stomach at close range with a high powered rifle and living to tell about it ,  the second a propaganda video encouraging women to bleed freely in an act of protest against taxes on tampons.  

The first video portrays several Italian men doing human testing for some sort of armored vest.  I have not been able to research or determine what kind of vest this is but it is one of the most intense things Ive ever seen.  One Italian man allows another to shoot him in the abdomen ten, count them TEN, times with an AK47 at close range and barely even flinches.  Linked here is an article I found with a similar video and here the inital video I saw. 

Now a friend on my shared this video on facebook tagging some of friends and I read their comments while forming my own thoughts, here is a screen shot of where I ended up doodling over the identifying information.  

image

My inital comment that I did not actually post (because it turned into this blog) is as follows:
5.  He is also very trusting in the gunman because the gunman continued to shoot in the same area the entire time.  All, what, 10 rounds went in the same general area of the middle, not out too far to the: sides, top, or bottom.  No, he kept them all towards the middle so with any lesser grade of armor they would have seriously messed up with the integrity of the vest, but that didn’t even happen.  This advancement is pretty insane to me as a civilian with NO formal gun knowledge.

My follow up thoughts were:

What is this material?  How many deserving lives might be saved from savage shootings by these men’s brave testing! Why do we live in a world where this would even ever be necessary.  I picture zombie-esk killers in attack mode wearing this just as much as I picture armed military defending freedoms and justice.   I found it truly inspiring that the first 5 shots (in the inital video linked above) formed a cross in this man’s literal shield of armor. 

image

As you can see I’ve highlighted how I see the cross as well as the beginning arc above it, which reminds me of several things: the Wheel of Fortune -that bad times are replaced by good times and we all go through cycles of each, Justice – a never exact or perfect science but rather a pure intent at equal exchange, and The Sun – where a partnership or trust between human beings can result in a physical or emotional healing (as the sun can feed us vitamins) also it resembles a loose representation of the tree of life.   These things are all very interesting to me but perhaps not hyper relative to this specific post. 
What is pertanent is that an amored vest such as this exist and while I am glad and fearful at the same time that it does,  if I ever encounter someone or something that has balls big enough to come at me like that,  I can only hope I would be in a tank ready to pull the biggest dick move I can think of and shoot that mother f’er right through the brain.  Ironically enough,  as I think you can see,  my mind (and I’m sure others) was blown in viewing this.  

Moving on to the second video. I’ve run across this kind of video a few times.  Here is a link to the article that was the basis for the video I watched; complete with incredible silly yet oddly supportive video about the natural occurrence of a women’s cycle.
I’m sorry but let me lay down a bit of truth here. There are other ways to handle a bleeding session other than a tampon or pad that are far less costly.  Here is just one alternative the Divacup .  Yes, it might seem gross but if the issue that is up for protest really is a 5% tax and the upset caused by the average $18,000 women spend on tampons in their lifetime (as stated in the original video that sparked this post), than options like the DivaCup completely solve this problem. As it clearly states in the Q&A the cost is right around $40 a year and dependant on care and condition it is really up to the user how often they chose to replace their cup.  So let’s do a bit of simple rounded mathing here for the ladies who want to throw a (literal) bloody fit outside of government buildings:
Age of early onset of menstruation: 10
Average age of menopause: 50
Females bleed for around 40 years. According to the protest video
tampon and pad average cost per lifetime – $18,000
Single reusable Divacup – $40, replaced annually for 40 years amounts to a $1,600 cost for the lifetime of an average woman’s menses. 
To be clear tampons: $18,000.
Divacup: $1,600
Lifetime savings: $15,400

If women would try to educate and try alternative methods (granted they will not work for all women) they wouldn’t even have to buy tampons taxed or not taxed FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.  They are taxed because they are the easiest, most ‘seemingly’ clean option; in short it is a ladies laziest route to handle our bodies every month.   No, we shouldn’t be taxed for taking the easy way out of a situation, really,  none of us want, but to bleed on yourself in a down right childish way in public to address you’re argument is unacceptable behavior.  I feel the same way about parents who allow their children to throw a fit and piss on me at the grocery store because their tyrant parent won’t let them have their desert right this very second and instead insist they wait until they have had a proper meal.   Of course assuming the child doesn’t have a mental condition and is in fact being a complete brat. 
Tampons ARE a luxury item,  and just because they are: the most popular, widely known, accepted, preferred,  and used option does not change the fact that they are not the ONLY option, in fact it doesn’t even mean that they are our best option, merely the only one we have been familiarized with.   Get over yourself and find better solutions to your problems than publicly disgracing yourself and making countless people, both male and female disgusted and uncomfortable. I sincerely hope and believe I am not alone in my opinion of this ridiculous ‘act of protest’. 

Okay so we made it through both of my distracted opinion posts, in order to share these views with you in a professional mannor I had to utilize the tools on my phone and my brain in ways I had never done before which brings us back  to my daily Tarot cards.

image

image

image

This interpretation speaks directly to what I was attempting to do in the first place.  I’m aware that when completed I will need to be able to defend my thesis, which is why I am so dedicated to finishing it properly…even with distracting blog posts. These two images are screen shots from the full version CBD TAROT DE•MARSEILLE app available for purchase through Google play store.
image

image

This second card and interpretation speak to the fact that I was going to work on my thesis and that I would still be able of doing so but in an unexpected manor.  Putting myself out there and hoping by luck I would be able to express this all in a way readers could follow.   However heavy winded my writing style may be,  and this style of connecting seemingly random things into a cohesive thought is most likely what hints at a previous life. These images are screen shots from my free CBD TAROT DE•MARSEILLE app available from Google Play Store.
image

This last card is my overall outlook for today.
image

The message for today illudes to the fact that I have what I believe to be very valid opinions and that I really do enjoy sharing them and need to allow room for that in my life.
image

The second part of the interpretation speaks of the obstacles I have faced in the past in not being able to convey my opinions in a relatable way. The fresh prespective relates to the differing options for handling facts about being a woman. 
image

Making new plans and strategies is the new way in which I have discovered to use the tools already at my disposal. Commiting and dedicating myself to this opportunity to develop and do what I feel is the right thing is key to posting this blog. These screen shots are taken from my full version Galaxy Tarot app, again, available at the Google play store.

So after reading the interpretations I had a huge light bulb go of in my brain that what I had just done was an exact example of what these cards had meant. Now, this was NOT what I had intended to be doing it was just me going about my normal way of working. I got distracted and rolled with what spoke to me at that moment not intending for it to be anything more than a like here or a comment there and it naturally bloomed into all this which of course was what the cards were saying was in store for me today.   Funny how that works.   This is the exact kind of example I would need in my thesis to help explain how having a self set of images/signs/guide posts (whatever they may be) and paying some level of attention when they happen to manifest in one’s life can result in the composition of one’s passions and joys.    So in not working on my thesis I was able to compose a key element for my thesis to be truly successful AND was able to find some new and differnt tools in order to express myself in a more cohesive mannor, hopefully being able to reach MORE people with my concept. This is an example of how tarot can work in a daily basis, or at least how it does for me.
If you are still with me and like this kind of entry and would like to see more please feel free to like,  comment,  share, and enjoy this post!
Thanks for reading!

Love Always, ~Mmle Peepers

Death XIII

I would like to preclude that it is not my intention to devalue the emotional heartache of the loss of a loved one.  In this article it is my hope to share an understanding in the terms of Tarot what is  ‘a living Death’, and why this writer would interpret it as natural change, or transition.  The same theories and explanations could indeed be translated and applied to a death of life, as I will attempt to share.  If you, dear reader, find this applicable to any aspect of your life or death (yes, I went there) than I thank you for reading with all my heart.

Universal truths; we live, we die.  We call ourselves living creatures but are we not just as much dying creatures?  We focus on life as if it were alone and not completely perfectly paired with its counterpart; death.  We KNOW that we will die, it is one thing we can be ABSOLUTELY sure of and yet not only do we forsake this *God* given knowledge, we abhor it.  We do this because we do not know what comes after.  We can theorize, hypothesize, even believe with every single atom of our earthly bodies, but we can not know what happens after we die.  After the act of death comes the unknown.  Here is the kicker though, when we do die and when we are dead then we will have knowledge of the unknown.  To put this into one of my favorite quotes (and if you don’t know where this is from, well I fear you’ve missed something great) “I open at the close”.  As a matter of fact in one of my most favorite Tarot decks of all time (Tarot of the Old Path) card number 13 ‘Death’ is titled ‘The Close’.  It is when we shut (close) one door that we can fully be in another room.

Death XIII

The thirteenth card of the Major arcana of a deck of Tarot cards can be a source of stress for many people.  I have had people refuse to be read, not because they truly are not interested in the insight Tarot might have to offer them, but simply because they do not want to be told they are going to die (which is infuriating as a Tarot reader, see above paragraph).  It is one of the first cards I look to when choosing to purchase a new deck as it helps to determine what purpose the deck might serve.  If I encounter a deck that has a bright, colorful Death card where a grim reaper is either not the main focus (example above) or completely absent, I know that it has less chance of scaring of a potential client if it comes up in their first reading ever.  I also know that one that is bright but still maintains a semblance of a reaper can be used for less squeamish clients.  If I come across a very ominous Death card that speaks to me, I generally keep that deck for personal use.  Even before I have met a client I am already concerned with their well being and attempting to do whatever I can to alleviate as much stress as is possible.   However this coddling is not met with respect or understanding and in writing this perhaps an eye or two may be opened.  I often hear (although not in the nice words I’m about to paraphrase with) ‘how can Tarot be good if it can tell someone they can die’. Tarot is a representation of our life’s experience so it would be untrue and incomplete without the most basic truth. ‘Well I’m just afraid’.  Yet when I ask what it is that they fear, hoping to walk someone slowly into a knowledge, they cannot sat.  So why do you fear it?

 

To answer this we have to look straight at fear for what it is, was, and should be.  Fear is a primal instinct, it can be seen as a reaction to the unknown, in a time where the unknown could kill you.  Mother animals feeding their offspring in the woods hear a noise. How do they know to protect their young, either by getting them to safety or fighting a potential UNKNOWN predator? Fear instructs them to do so.  Fear is a part of our natural instincts to survive, if something is unknown to us then we as creatures infer that it is a predator and that makes us the prey.  A key point we fail to use is distinction; for example death (in my opinion) is not the exact same thing that a predator would do to its prey. A predator would kill: extinguish, end, the prey for reason of food for self survival.  Death is a transition from known to unknown.

This is a key that we utilize to recognize, to differentiate, what is a real threat vs. a perceived one.  In the age that we currently live in there is an ever expansive vastness of things to know, and with this ‘knowledge’ there is an equally abundant amount of things we do not know.  We have kept out primal instincts, the ones that meant to keep us alive, and have felt fear every time we recognize something we do not know.  This does not mean that we are prey and that everything unknown to us is out to eat us alive, but that is how we feel…isn’t it? We have taken fear from its rightful, useful, place as an instinct and elevated it to emotion status where it truly is not of any use to us. Our idea of ‘fear’ as emotions, of any emotion, is linked to our knowledge and concepts of self.  So it becomes difficult to embrace our lives because ‘fear’ holds us back.  It is not an easy task to put ‘fear’ back into its box, but it is far better than the stagnating freeze that seems to grasp our lives and it is where it belongs.

What conquers the emotion we call ‘fear’ is understanding, but first we have to differentiate the primal fear from the emotional one.  When you want something but ‘fear’ it, be honest with yourself; is it going to kill you?  Not will it hurt, or is it really worth it, or I am unsure of what to do; those are (good) questions you can ask later.  First ask if it WILL KILL YOU?    By answering this simple question you are, indeed, facing death,  You did not know, you came to a point, an end, a close, a (GASP) death of not knowing, and you now know (what was once) unknown.  It is a temporary death, a living death, a fearless death.  You have changed from who you were before you asked, you have gone through a transition and can now being the journey of understanding.

Death is an end, a close, a change from one thing to another, a transition.  In a reading it can be relevant to everything, when put into context, because EVERYTHING changes.  Death (as well as birth/life) is all around us, all the time;  our brains when learning make new synaptic connections, our skin cells fall off, we feel different from moment to moment.  When it comes to having your cards read, if ever you considered it; please remove your primal fear.  I swear to you, at least on my watch, that a card stock picture, with or without the grim reaper, is not going to kill you.  I would love to guarantee that it never alludes to a death of life, but given that we are all dying it is bound to happen under the right circumstances; like if you are terminal and come asking for comfort, or if you have lost a loved one.  In a daily reading it is way more likely that the card of Death if referring to ‘a living death’ the kind that happens all around you.

 

Raider-Waite Tarot

If you have followed me this far, thank you! I’d would like to share a personal experience as an example of how ‘a living death’ has affected me in real life, and how I have come to understand it.  It might make it easier to imagine that I encountered the card of death in the beginning of this tale.  As while the actual tarot card of death was not present, the concept of Death, as I interpret it with Tarot, is.  For me, all cards in the Tarot are; symbols, place holders, representations of real life events, circumstances, or (more often when I read for myself) actions that are happening within the psyche.

When I was in elementary school my grandparents passed.  I cannot say I if I was mourning, I was at an age where the ego was still the base for my primary existence, what I can say is I found that the act of death applied to me.  I would die, I would die soon, I knew this truth.  It did not scare me because it was fact, possibly the first real fact my conscious brain had accepted, it did however affect me in innumerable ways.  My concept of soon was a few years, meaning in elementary school I doubted I would live to see middle school and positive I would not live to see high school.  In my mind I had convinced myself of this, held it as mutually factual as death itself, and yet I did not fear.  I did however feel more, emote more, learn more, express more, make the ‘right’ choices, listen to my parents, care for others as best as I could, forgive more, apologize sooner, love deeper.  I am not saying I was perfect, after all I was a kid but I can attribute all of those positive actions directly to the concept of death.

I made it though middle school and I entered high school. I did well in classes and studies because I enjoyed it, but I did not adjust well, after all wasn’t I supposed to be dead?  My sister went to a psychic and was told (and told me) that I would die in a red 2 door sports car.  Now had I had been someone else I might have passed this off as malarkey, but being who I am and knowing what I knew I accepted it as a highly likely possibility.  Nearly everyone of my friends that drove, had their own vehicles, had:  you guessed it, red (okay well one was pink) 2 door sports cars.

So as sophomore year came around I became depressed, and severely confused.  Depressed because I would not speak to anyone about this.  I did not believe or trust that anyone around me (family, friends, counselors, pastors) could fathom my the concept of death as something to be naturally accepted, and not superimpose upon me that I wanted to die.  These are different.  As more time passed I became more and more confused as to why I was living, it was not until now that I began to fear.  I feared I was wrong, I feared that death would not come for me.  This idea was foreign, corrupt, wrong and I struggled hard to keep my head in reality as it spun out of control.  I had what I would term a psychotic break during this year, I spent a week in bed, practically catatonic, in pain that steamed from my core.  I began to have anxiety attacks.  I had not prepared to live, I had prepared to die.  I had never considered a future with me in it.  While others were planning their academics in order to get into college and into the career of their choosing, I was awaiting the end.  I had only retained information that interested me, or I felt was worth taking (if I got to take anything) in death, not what might be important to a life.  While others had figured out who were their friends and where their place was by means of realizing what hurt and what felt right, I had just let go of most emotions, especially ones that hurt, because they were not needed where I was going.

The next two years I struggled to catch up with ‘the living’.  I became overwhelmed with attempting to handle life. I got a job. I attempted to cram everything that might be important in later life into my brain all at once.  I missed what was actually going on around me.  I held a long term relationship for most of high school and did not really understand what that meant. I tried to figure out what the next step was.  I did not have a supporting adult I felt I could run too.  I was no longer was on the same level as my peers, they were ready or they didn’t care.  I asked questions.  I was too late.  After high school ended, I was lost.  I watched everyone I’d know go one of two ways, away to college or headed to nowhere, neither of which did I feel I could go.  I worked and my plan was to work until I figured it out.  The place I was working at shut down and only gave us 2 weeks notice.  I ran.  I ran to Florida with a friend, who’s family I felt close too.  Who I hoped would teach me how to get into college and do something with my life.  I ended up caring for people, in one way or another, mostly without compensation.  People seemed to see that I cared for others lives more than I cared about my own, and since this was true I allowed it to consume me.  Changes were hard because I would only change when the pain of my existence became too much.

Finally after about a year I was given a sign that called me home (more on that in another article).  I went home and returned to my previous long term relationship, like nothing had ever happened.  While riding in the passenger seat of his, you guessed it, red 2 door sports car, he told me what I was to be to him.  For the first time in my life someone had told me in one quick passing sentence what I had allowed my life to mean.  I felt different.  I had allowed myself to simply be whatever any once else required of me, and in not distinguishing myself from the purposed I was serving for others I had in essence not truly existed as myself.  I had also let this ability be utilized by persons who would take from we what they needed, without ever giving anything positive back into me.  I had ended up surrounded by people who did not reflect my inner; love, joy, hope, loyalty, ideals, etc.  to no fault of their own, for just as I was unaware until that moment, I am sure (most) were just as unaware.

Years later I looked back at this moment and thought a part of me died that day; the part that accepted all negative reflections even if they were not my own.  I can also see that it was a day of transformation; that it is my choice to reflect that which is inside me.  It was also a day understanding; that there would always be times that I will reflect things that appear to be outside of me, but that I could grasp their true meaning within.  I experienced awareness of myself, not just as someone who would die one day, not as a projection, but someone who could change who could die and be born at the same time.  I could do anything.  This was a moment of death for me, and by the believing that the moment would happen, within a red 2 door sports car, I was not able to ignore the signs when it happened.

My point in this telling this story is two-fold.  One is to share the kind of person I have always been, but more-so to show that sometimes when death comes along it means something totally different than what we automatically assume it means.  I knew in elementary school death was change, was unknown, but I did not understand that it was not always an ultimate finality.  As well as to share that death is not something you need to fear, or to cling too, because it happens to us all.

I believe we learn a self truth when we can see how one concept of nature can be reflected from a macro to a micro, and vice verse, and then applied to our experience.  For me this means: death (weather living of final body) brings new knowledge, there is life after (and because of) death.  We just cannot know it until we are there.  So when you find yourself accosted by a fear, face it, it probably isn’t going to kill you.  In fact you might just encounter Death, and like it.