American Blood Cell-outs

I found myself with current events on my mind as I went to read before bed tonight and I cannot help but make some connections. I am reading, and would like to share a part of, Howard Bloom’s The Lucifer Principle A Scientfic Expedition Into the Forces of History.

The section titled One Mans God is Another Mans Devil begins by addressing the ‘Us verses Them’ occurrence in nature.

White blood cells in the immune system function as soldiers on patrol. They are constantly scouring the corridors or the body, prowling for intruders. As they move through the veins and capillaries, they encounter billions of friendly cells, a myriad scraps of flotsam and jetsam that belong to the body itself. Should they make a mistake and attack these compatriots, the body would be in severe trouble. How does the immune system manage to avoid cases of mistaken identity? The cells of the body have the equivalent of a uniform – a chemical combination as unique as a human face or a fingerprint. What’s more, invading viruses also have a distinctive chemical costume. When a white blood cell detects the markings of a virus, it goes on the attack and sends out signals summoning its legion of confederates to the assult. Uniforms are necessary on the cellular level. They also prove indispensable to human society.

It further goes on to address the issues of infighting within groups, cultures, and subcultures. How it is unacceptable to kill a brother or sister human because they are human, but that we tend to form subculture tribes where we like to make our own definitions of what constitutes human. This IS indeed a part of not just our nature but nature itself.

Focusing more so on the above quoted piece however, it seems to me that the American Flag and our National Anthem ARE our uniforms and that standing in honor of them is HOW we navigate identity of our group of ‘white blood cells’, or friend vs. foe.

I am in no way stating that other nations are automatically a virus but I am saying that in the world we live in we all participate in country distinction. I also believe in every Americans right to hard won and protected freedoms. I wonder if the potential causality of actions such as sitting or kneeling during the anthem or disrespecting the flag, are thought all the way through. As these are known symbols of our unitedness and our countries identifying uniform, other countries may perceive that those not adhering to the utmost American uniform are indeed a virus among us.

(Northwest University’s 2013 uniforms to benefit Wounded Warrior Project)

We are a nation with its foundation based on freedom, I personally focus on a freedom of choice. I’m not ignorant to the fact that we made mistakes in the ways that we established that 150+ years ago or that we STILL have many things we need to fix and improve upon but THAT is our current choice and I believe that the vast majority of Americans choose every day to try and make it a better nation and a better world. We are just so lost as to how to actually do that because it isn’t a singular act. It is a daily and constant variable dependent on each individual.

Yes America….we get it. We’ve got work to do. So let’s stand up, together, remember that many have lost their lives so we can bitch about football players, but let’s get to friggin work!! We need to stop saying there’s a problem and start coming up with ACTUAL solutions that we can act upon individually every day. Everybody pick what you are most offended by and solve that problem first. Not by putting it on someone else or blaming the people who are around when you feel hurt but by actually improving the situation for ALL people by bettering yourself.

Stop making mistakes in identity and attacking fellow American compatriots. Stop calling for the legion of confederates to come assult what you think is a virus. Check its damned uniform first!!

Does it stand…. not because it has to but because it chooses as an American to respect our flag, our anthem, our soldiers? Then this is a fellow American ‘cell’ doing its job as best as it can.

If not, do not….I repeat DO NOT freak out. It’s just flotsam and jetsam and the greater body will dispose of it naturally.

We will know when to go into attack mode because we will recognize the foreign uniform. At that point we will need the men and women who choose to fight to defend our uniform. It’s this getting through America? Please tell me it is!!!

I sincerely hope we have all finally found something to be collectively united over. It’s been there all along, but when we are not at war or in direct conflict with an opposing virus we tend to forget our collective union. This has been seen escalating for years through our apparent confusion and ravings for division when really we need to remember what our uniform and purpose represents.

The flotsam and jetsam can sit or kneel or whatever and nature will take care of them. If they have a point I personally choose to simply ignore it when presented in this manner and I focus my attention on the music and the flag of our great nation that allows me to make that choice. Frankly that is this patriots choice on how to do my job as a cell of the American organism that I belong to. This is my actual solution to what is offending me most…. choose to stand up, place my hand over my heart, listen to the anthem of American and ignore those who don’t.

If someone wants my attention your going to have to get it in a better more respectful way than that. This American blood doesn’t ‘cell-out’ that cheap.

Our America

I really do not want this blog to become a space for political inundation.  I find, though, that I  do have a voice that wants to say things and considering that apparently our nation just elected Donald Trump as its president now is the time to do so.  I say ‘apparently’ because honestly I’m skeptic that the votes were counted/collected correctly, and no its not because I’m a Hillary supporter because I’m not.   Every election that I have been old enough to vote in has been  sequentially scarier than the last this; this one most definitely included.  I think I’m not alone in this, if facebook news feeds are indicators of the emotional state of america, we are all concerned about the next 4 years.

What can we do about this?  Well personally I feel resolved to simply pledge my allegiance, not to our president, but to the american people.  I will not stand by if my fellow american’s are persecuted based on their beliefs, religion, race, age, body type, health, or even life style choices.  For as long as I have a voice I have control over my own personal power and while this is by no means guaranteed to affect change on a large scale it, for the moment, it satisfies my activist nature.  We all deserve human rights and if we feel as though those rights are endangered then it is on us to do what we can about it, not only for ourselves, but for our brethren and our future generations.


Regardless of how you voted or if you voted or weather your candidate won or lost, we are all part of creating history right now and how we the people act during this time is what we will want our children to remember.  I want mine to look back and see that through hardships we stood united, indivisible (along side whatever God you do or do not believe in) in order to pursue what we have all always wanted: Americans civil rights both public and private, and justice when these rights are infringed upon.  I want our history to be that of an America united in a peaceful revolutionary fight for human freedoms and a return to our natural state of being, regardless and in spite of our differing views/beliefs about our Government.

I think what we really want is to owe our allegiance and obedience to a  governmental system the is mutually bonded and obligated to protect our rights and freedoms as humans first and foremost.  For any of those who feel as though this is not the current state of our nation, or are concerned that we are headed down a path to ignorantly abiding or standing by as our nation is thrust into deplorable separatism and irreversibly damaging our collective psyche then I implore you to turn your allegiance and obedience back to the people.


Stand up as best as you personally can when you see injustice happening around you.  Be responsible that you yourself do not participate in the infringement of others human rights by understanding what they are.  Look within yourself and find what makes you who you are, and show compassion and respect for what might make someone else who they are.  You don’t have to know their story to understand that the basics of life are the same. If you see someone who’s civil rights are being suppressed by entities larger than themselves offer them aid, offer them support, offer them kindness, offer them whatever you have to offer.  STAND UP!

Do unto others as you would have done unto you.  I really do not care that this is a bible verse, that is not why I quote it here.  I quote it because the sentiment is correct.  If you cannot honestly say that at any point it could just as easily be your cause, your passion, your life being put on trial, convicted as unacceptable in the eyes of ‘societal standards’, and your defense being brought down upon your own head then you, my friend, are a pawn and in need of some serious introspection.  When we realize that it could be any one of us suffering than we use that personal fire to stop inequality in its tracks, to fight against injustices that are still happening, and to protect each other as one.

I have to ask myself if I do not want this to become a political platform blog why am I so compelled to write such things.  The truth is that discussing current events in general is relative to our health: mental, psychological, sociological and even physical because these are the topics and issues we are all experiencing.  Also if I just sit back and don’t say anything then I would be allowing a part of myself to slip into the cogs of the machine that  I believe is rusted, broken, and will soon fall apart unless we fix it.

If you find a cause that you can relate to, where you find yourself open to their plea, where their cries are for true justice and not for retaliation, then support it.  For me its the Sioux tribe and everyone at Standing Rock; they want to keep their land and their water pure…this is a human plight, so I suggest we start here.  This is a situation that we can still fix….we can still fight, we can actually do something for our American people.

If that isn’t your cup of tea…..that’s okay here is a link to established organizations that fight for American rights check them out, it’s at least a place to start.

In closing I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve wrote here, and considering my point of view.




A Scorpion Cry: ‘Without Water We All Die’

I ended the last post with a 311 song (All mixed up) and I have to go in and quote a piece of the lyrics that apply today

‘Now it’s morning but last night’s on my mind
There’s something I need to get off my chest
And no matter may come to shine
The dream will always be mine’

Well this is what is on my mind.

Let me begin by saying, I really do not cry that often, it is rare for me to find it personally necessary but lately I’ve experienced a massive upswing in the amount of times I’ve found myself crying. I want to clarify that I do not think there is anything wrong with crying, I think it is natural and some people cry more than others, I do not however really consider myself to be much of a crier.  Now for me; when I cry its usually because I need to, when I let myself cry it means something, it means I really need to take a look at something in my life.  When I don’t mean to cry and suddenly find myself crying it is because an emotion over took me by force.  I mostly cry because I am personally effect by my own life,  and rarely do I cry in true sadness.

However yesterday was a rough day for me, the why is not really relevant it was just a normal rough day, but I cried a little bit, just a little bit due to loneliness,  last week I cried from the death of a beloved fictional character, a few weeks ago I cried from hearing a childhood song, the week before that I didn’t cry but my heart felt like it wanted me to wrench and wring it out because it was so full of sadness. Normally my heart feels full of wonder and love, that is what my cup  usual overflows with.  Not this time though.

On occasion I cry for others, for things I see in the world around me that hurt my being; yes, sometimes I cry from sheer empathy. With the increase of my episodes of crying I investigated what is going on in my life thoroughly and came to the conclusion that this overflow of sadness is an empathetic cry.   So I really looked around me and paid attention to what is causing me to hold such a full weight in my heart, what is heightening my anger and my sadness to the point that I feel compelled to do something other than just cry about it.  While there is a lot going on in the world right now, there is one issue that I feel more intensely than all others.


My heart is full of sorrow for what I am witnessing happen at Standing Rock.  I have to say this, I can’t hold it in.  There are so many people all over this world that are watching this and doing whatever they can in order to just tell the right: person, cooperation, political party, that THIS IS WRONG and we need to shut it down.  We all FEEL it in our very beings.  We are even sad when we come to the understanding that we have to do less than what our hearts begging us to do because we are bound to our own lives,  we feel sorry about that, we as a people are crying, crying out before such an injustice is done.  Who has the power to stop this? What do you need? More valid reasons why???????  Is wanting to have water no longer a necessity of life?

We the people are looking at ourselves wondering how we missed the memo that we don’t deserve to have a voice about our water anymore? Christ!!!! We ARE water!!!!  Look at the science we all know: the human body, is what… 63-75% water? depending on whatever the stat you look up to verify says.  Okay, okay I think we can ALL agree that we are at least more than half water.

ALL HUMANS (and yes I am yelling), share in the fact that 50+% of our physical bodies belong to water, is owe it to water, is brought to us by water.

Anyone who believes in a religious baptism, is not that water holy?  Anyone who believes in bathing, is not that water clean? Anyone who drinks water, is not that water purified and purifying?  Anyone who has ever been in, on, or even near a body of water, does not that water have a temperament?

Who in America is so stupid that they think no one  in North Dakota has ever paid attention to the poisons we have let seep into our water systems?  Do those same people believe that because you belong to any of the tribes of people who were here long before we were, you know…..all ‘NATIVE AMERICANS‘ have never watched TV or read a newspaper or experienced the difference between clean natural water and water with additives or toxens? Or that they do not understand the process of filtering water…..where do you think that idea comes from?  I do not mean what person patented it, or developed it, or sold it….I mean the basic concept of CLEAN water – belongs to those who figured it out before this modern time even existed.  If they hadn’t figured out how to take care of their bodies we wouldn’t even BE here.

Soooo…. let me get this straight we as a people, meaning everyone who came here from the very birth of our American Nation has: fought with, taken over, allowed the regulation of the indigenous peoples into little camps (we proper people like to call it a reservation because history  has taught us what happens when you put a group of people into ‘camps’ amIright) and we have allowed them to live under the promise that they could be free to live as they wish within those lands forever as is their right, and NOW…right now, in this current time we are, what, calling take backs?

Uhhhhhh I think I disagree with this.  I think this is not okay.  I am standing up right now as best as I can to say that if we allow this to happen we watching a choice being made that we will ALL regret.

It is November the time of the Scorpio the sign of transformation, power, change, and DEATH.  The time where we as an AMERICAN tradition annually honor what we perceive in our minds to be a fair deal, where our ‘tribe’ and all the original ‘tribes’ came to some sort of agreement, a  treaty was made.  Regardless of what happened vs. what we have said happened, you cannot deny that it happened.  We agreed.  We broke bread and vowed to be A People.

Yet it is also a time where we watch the political debates and vote for our next leader, and I personally have not heard either of our, lets face it, 2 choices say anything about it.  How could anyone vote for anyone who does not promise to stop this heinous attack on our First Promise as Americans?


Not stopping this pipeline should be our first agenda, because Americans are loosing their heritage.  We are currently working on trying to nit pick through the basics of our governmental system, re-adjusting the constitution, updating the amendments, we are doing that NOW.  Can’t we see that?  If we: let this go, do nothing, do not do enough. than this makes a statement, loud and clear, that we hold the value of one life above another.  That we are no longer a Democratic Nation….or that we are a democratic nation who believes that some people are not eligible to represent a member of the population, without specifically defining who. Does this not echo the sounds of genocide?

If we elect another Hitler, (and that honestly it could be anyone) where does the line get drawn? Who gets to decide who is allowed to live or die?  Is considering this even a factor or a matter in this age? Its 2016 and we are debating, we are shouting out, we are even arguing and fighting over who’s lives matter.  Seriously can we think about that for just one second….k, times up.  Lets just start with these people, these Native Americans of whom we owe our lives in America too.  Those people we stole from, those people we killed, those people we harmed both body and soul, and those people who helped us even when we did not deserve it, those people who showed us kindness and treated us as brethren, who forgave us when we did not deserve the land that they cherished.  Lets start with agreeing that they deserve to keep their land pure of a pipeline.  That the bodies of their ancestors, THE ACTUAL PEOPLE I just spoke of and their decedents DESERVE to rest in peace.

I personally feel as though all life here on this planet cannot take this kind of pain anymore.  I am not sure that we, as a race, can survive it.  I believe our emotions will overrun us and we will see a surge of madness, and that would be the morbid justice that we would all take part in because we are all connected by water….by emotion.

We need to fix this before it happens.  We need to stop the pipeline.

This election needs to stop it isn’t worth our focus if our candidates don’t feel that this is a matter of National importance.  This pipeline needs to stop.  We need to be thankful for the lessons we’ve already learned, so that we don’t repeat them.  We need to do that so that we can continue to look ahead to a bright future, one where we can all work (and there is still plenty to do) again towards living as a whole population, and a whole people.

I have a relatively small family and I come from families that do not really stick together well but I am lucky enough to have an Aunt who has started some work tracing back our history. On my fathers side we were told that we were part Cherokee Indian only a few generations back, well it turns out that we aren’t… least not from that line of heritage.  When I found out I worried that that fact might effect some of my family poorly, that they would suddenly not feel connected to the native heritage line, but it didn’t change anything.  I am thankful that I can still feel a connection to the natural way of living, which I truly believe is a core of Indians belief system, (although I have never had the pleasure of actually asking personally if that thought is true) and that connection should be honored by all of us because I know I am not standing alone.

I am angry and sad to be an American right now.  I know, I know that this is not the only issue we face and I know that there are thousands of things that could be said that would speak of amazing things Americans do and how great we are, and those things are true.  But right now I feel the dying of American so strongly that I cannot continue to look the other way on this.  I am fully aware that it is a social taboo to say this, and I genuinely just still hope it is a right.   If writing how I feel and allowing the public to see it in this way is a cause for shame….then we should all be shamed, if stating this creates distress….then we should all be distressed, if reading it calls you to lash out at me…..then there is further proof something is wrong and you are only proving my point.

My hope in writing this is that it somehow effects a change of situation, a transformation of the peoples political power, and a death of the pipeline plan.


As a Scorpio, a fixed water sign I live with the water.  I abide by the moon that governs our tides.  If we allow this pipeline to run through North Dakota we are blatantly disrespecting an entire peoples holy communion with their Godly mothers: earth and water.

You don’t have to practice the same beliefs to understand that a persons sacred beliefs and rights to practice their beliefs on the sanctity of their own land should be protected, if we don’t respect and protect others way of life…..we cannot justify or expect others to respect or protect us when our own rights and beliefs are attacked.

I will always dream of a world where we find our way to respecting and loving our brothers and sisters, regardless of all differentiating factors.  I dream of a world where I am free to commune with nature and my spirit in whatever way I feel works for me.  I dream of a world where each personals personal spirituality or religion is honored.  That is the dream I am chasing right now.  That is my American dream.  I support the American dream for everyone, this includes EVERYONE.

I guess you could call me a bleeding heart….it would be true enough.

I stand with the Sioux (and everyone) at Standing Rock.


I beg….hear our cries.

to see whats going on check out water is life

























Gift Giving


My good friend over at utilized a quote by Pablo Picaso that really struck home with me ‘The meaning of life is to find your gift, the purpose of life is to give it away’. There is a difference between a present and a gift; presents are just a thbrandie-sellersing given to another, but a gift is something that they want or need and only few have the ability to give. I think I am fortunate enough to have at lease one gift even though at times I’m still not sure I fully understand it, but I hope that understanding will come through trusting my intuition and sharing what is needed and trusting that whoever needs that gift will find it.  With that said I’d like to share my moon ritual with you through out this month of November.  I think this month is perfect for me to come out with this since it is a way of giving myself a birthday gift (writing as I’ve wanted to do for so long) as well as giving it to others.

I believe in individual soul centric timing; we are faced with things when we need to face them the most.    I also feel like the moon has been asking me to learn from her for years and I’m now ready to listen. I’ve been attempting to do get myself planned out and organized so that I can stay on track of myself, and part of that is accepting that I work best in unconventional ways.  Right now I am working on many things most of which are geared towards sharing with others.  So I thought I would begin by sharing what I am working on right now, a Moon Ritual.


So my intentions (yes plural, I’m an overachiever) for this month are as follows post more here on my blog, write out wish lists for my new home, and to bring loved ones together.  These are specific to me and they fit the transformational energy of the moon in Scorpio.  Each are challenging in their own right.  Writing is something I do all the time but rarely do I share it, I worry that my thoughts aren’t complete and I struggle with an inner doubt that I have been working through for the last year, it is by no means gone but I am no longer allowing myself to hold back.  I am ready to take a hold of the power behind my gifts, see what comes of it and share it with others.   Making wish lists is hard for me because when I consider what I might want I always get a pang of negative emotions such as I don’t deserve to buy anything new, I can’t afford it so why even consider a purchase, and selfishness that I should allow myself to want anything considering all that I have when there are those that have less.  I’ve considered those shadow thoughts and decided that making a list doesn’t hurt anyone else, and it gives me a chance to tell myself I am worth it, and it gives me the opportunity to create what I want from what I already have limiting my financial drain while reducing my own carbon foot print and giving myself a sense of pride in my home, and finally I hope by going through and improving my own home environment I can come up with ways that I can help others who have less. My last intention and it’s challenge is very personal, I discovered that while I love deeply it is something that I’ve held close into myself and not shared my love outwardly with many people because of a fear of rejection.  Well I have experienced so much rejection in my life that I have time and time again been forced to find ways to work though and come to terms with it so that I can move on with my life and opening back up to those I love is a vulnerability for me.  So my intention for this is to allow those I know have supported and loved me and never rejected me that I do not lump them in the same file of love as those who have harmed my soul.


If you’d like to set your own intention and follow along with me through this next month I would thoroughly enjoy that and would like to personally invite you to do so.  I will be posting cards from my Tarot deck with the intention of passing messages along that fit the themes of: Power, Transformation, and Energetic merging.

With my intentions set I shuffled my Tarot deck and considered what message I (we) need to hear for this month.  I pulled card XXI: the World

Where you put effort into there is where your reward will lie.  What you teach yourself will show you the next lesson you need to learn.  The past cycles purpose has been served and so it is concluding.  In its closure you begin to feel an opening to the next chapter.  When considering all that you have endured to get to this point call upon your strength and be grateful that it has been with you, be proud.  Look from a place of self-love and understanding at the cycle that is coming and understand your role in it.  You have the knowledge and experience behind you to move forward with our heads held high ready to accept our gifts.

When we purposefully study/learn something we do so with intent.  We pay attention to ourselves and our relation to what we are learning.  We take our time (perhaps we even slow our own time, but that’s a separate post) and we focus on succeeding at each small step in the aim of completing an entire goal.  We take what we already knew and blend it with new knowledge or we transform it in a new dedicated way.

To find your life’s gift, be honest and easy with yourself about what makes you feel like you have the most purpose; what subjects/actions/activities give you joy AND you allow you to see how sharing it could help others.  Allow it to seep into you deeply, push away any self judgement and completely ignore any external judgement.   Embrace it.

Set steps and goals ahead of you, align them with your gift.  See yourself taking those steps, and praise yourself every chance you get! The first person who should support you IS you, and once you begin supporting and cheering yourself on your eyes will be opened to those around you who will cheer for you as well.  This becomes a cycle of itself cheering for yourself breeds cheering for others breeds others cheering for you.

It is time to embrace your passions and take some action to bring your dreams to life.  You have all the power in the world to create the happiness in your life you so desire, no more excuses.


I often have songs come to mind and they magically relate, I usually take that as confirmation that I’ve received the right message and so I’d like to share that with you as well.  So the song for this message from the World tarot card is 311-All mixed up with lyrics .  As a general rule when I post songs I’d like you to listen to them and imagine that you are singing them to and about yourself, no one and nothing else, just you, and the videos I link you to for this will always have the lyrics on screen, its my personal preference so I can extra double check my own intuition.

That’s all for today.

with love, always and all-ways

Mlle. Peepers




This year is the best one so far for me.  I just turned 29 and I think I’ll stay this age forever, not because I don’t want to get old.  I really don’t mind the thought of getting older because there isn’t any sane reason to fight it, it’s going to happen weather we like it or not so I choose not to fight it.  I think I’ll stay 29 or I’ll celebrate my 29th birthday again and again because this is finally the year that things started falling into place for me.  My life has finally started to FEEL like it makes sense.

I’ve always flowed with life, and I trusted that Karma would do its job and not forget about me when it was my turn and I have often wondered if the blessings I have had so far in life were my payment.  I have a wonderful husband, two fantastically wonderful kids, and even when I have feared we wouldn’t be able to hold it all together we did, and that in itself is pretty great, right!  I was (and still am) grateful for all the things that have happened and all the ways I and my family have been bless, but I never felt like Karma had given me what I deserved.  I hated that feeling, it felt; wrong, ungrateful and selfish.  I felt like I maintained life in the best form of person I could be, I made mistakes, but I learned and I continued to try and try again to hold myself to the best standards I could reach and then reach as high above them as I could and because of that I innately expected Karma to give me ‘special treatment’ even though I knew that I didn’t deserve it anymore than any other person.

However I do feel that Karma has given me some special gifts.   The ability to see the amazing opportunities in my life, even in the darkest times, has been with me for a long time.  I can see and understand that if you make it through the dark by looking towards the light it brings, it makes things a bit ‘lighter’ to handle.  I can accept that without the fighting, the struggle you really can’t appreciate the outcome.  If it were handed to you, it wouldn’t mean anything because you didn’t earn it.  I think the new gift Karma gave me for my birthday was the ability to USE my own dark times as times of work for the brighter time.  When I look at an aspect of my life that isn’t pleasant for me, I look to see how it would be right and then work backwards from the goal in order to work to get to that outcome.  This latest gift feels like I have finally accepted my own Karmatic gift, I think it was always there but I had not actually taken it for myself.

So I’m stopping my mental age at 29 because I’d like to keep this gift, this mindset of seeing the goals and working towards them, of forgiving myself for not accepting it sooner as well as when I forget it.  If I turn 29 every year than perhaps if I loose track of this gift I will be reminded by my birthday.  I’m stopping at this one because it is my favorite time period in life thus far.

I saw a post the other day and it said “Remember when u thought people in their 20’s were adults….now we’re all in our 20s just kinda fumbling around bumping into things looking for food”.   To that I have a response.


I run around and fumble into people in their 30s, 40s, and even on up and I think ‘Man, I’m just like you…..we still won’t know exactly what we’ll be doing, will we’ and you know what I think that is petty neat.  It’s like I feel like this sometimes:


Hey self, I really want to party.  You in?


-Hm, I’ll have to think about that.  Like is it okay if I party right now? What else should I be doing? How much fun is it going to be? Is it worth it? Am I going to get into trouble? Can I be sneaky enough to get away with this? Crap, I better go listen to and think about adults think it means to go to party to do “adult things”.


—–(Goes to find an adult.)


“Hey where are the adults?”


-What? You say we are the adults?!

Really? Huh, I guess there are no adults then, we’re screwed.

Wait, you say there have been no adults around for a while….like at all?

So, we’ve all been “adulting” now for a while and we are still here, alive, and all things considered we’re not doing that bad; not starving, still learning, still have some form of family and a friend or two are still around, and the ability to remember things that we love?  In the very least you mean to tell me we’re still alive?  That’s friggin amazing.

We are the adults in life! We get to decide; how we party, when we party, where we party, with who we party with, and what it means to us to party?

Sha-weet! (nods head) It’s always time to party!



So I go about adulting, cause apparently that’s what I do!  Haha! I WIN!   Party. Is. On!


But sometimes I look at my self in the mirror and say “self….I think we just going to bed.”


Double Edged Ace of Swords

I sat down last night to try and continue working on a piece of writing for NaNoWritMo.  I had set the book I’m writing, which if you don’t already know what it’s about then please don’t ask because it is still so new that I’m not comfortable speaking about it yet, in order to write what I am calling a thesis paper.   For those of you who do not know me I am not in enrolled in any school and am a stay at home mother.  I work sometimes outside of the home but until recently have only gained experience through my jobs and have yet to find a career because truly my dreams are not achievable within the context of those jobs. Anyways, on my down time (and by that I mean when I stay up later than everyone else in order to study and teach myself) I like to write.   I have many ideas, I would like to write thesis’ on and have not yet done so for either: lack of complete research/focus/time or lack of belief that I as an ‘uneducated’ individual would not be taken seriously in my endevours.  However the time has finally come for me to set aside all fears and go for my dreams regardless of what may come. I’m ready.   So I decided to take the month of November to write out my current thesis concept including siting my research and double checking that my concept can indeed by mostly validated by scientific study or in the very least understood by the phycological community with the idea being sound.   The thesis is entitled “The Application of Relative Synchronicity” and in it I intend to prove not only the existance of ‘physic powers’, siting examples that most everyone can relate to, but how it works within the body and psyche AND my favorite part how it can be utilized by any willing person to better and activate their life and achieve a happier more balance sense of being.  Whew!  That’s a tall order for an ‘unschooled’ housewife.  🙂

So here today, the purpose of this blog is to serve as an example of how it works from my own personal experience. I suggest you read it all as this method tends to circle back upon itself in order to make the point.

Before returning to where I left off on my thesis last night I checked my tarot cards for the day.  It was one A.M. and that is the time I have my alerts set for my tarot apps; two of my apps alert me that two of my cards for Friday,  November 13th 2015 were the Ace of Swords and that excites me because I instantly know Ace of Swords means (to me) the beginning of new conversation or form of communication and to have the same card come up out of three different decks is pretty interesting and semi-uncommon for me.   This intrigues me so much that I am compelled to go check all three of my apps to find out what the third card is. It is the Wheel of Fortune,  which to me usually means life is about to go up and in order to rightfully enjoy it one must remain balanced in the center of all goings on. Now my life is doing a lot of up right now so this is really exciting and inspiring for me.  I’m content with just viewing these tarot card images for the moment and make a note to look at them again before bed or right when I wake so I can read the apps interpretation and see if there is something else I could be looking for.  This is a fairly common practice for me as it is one way I stay in touch with myself and the universe on a daily basis. However, sometimes I skip it altogether and sometimes I focus on it.   There is no rhyme or reason except that sometimes I am more interested in the cards drawn than other days, or (like today) stand out more to me.  Here is what I was looking at:


Moving on from the cards,  I admittedly opened my document and my browser with four  open tabs that I am currently working with for refrence material and a fifth….Facebook.  I’m calling out my own shame here but I keep it open for momentary distractions and so I do not feel so alone in the middle of the night. I caught myself going straight to Facebook instead of working.   At first I was disappointed in myself but then I got overwhelmed by two seperate posts that I found I had opinions about and wanted to share these opinions. I soon realized that my thoughts were too deep for a few lines in the comment section.   So I began to write myself some notes thinking if it were indeed that interesting to me I could always come back to it later, AFTER I got some work done on my thesis.   In leaving myself notes I realized I needed to site where these posts came from in order to back track later so that I may respond in full accordance with my thought process.   In doing this I decided to take screen shots and ended up coloring over the identifying personal information so that I might be able to use the actual screen shot as illustration of my opinion.  I liked it so much that I decided to roll with what I was currently doing and put the thesis work aside while figuring out how to multitask this much on my phone.  My phone is capable of doing all these tasks and for the most part I simply do not take advantage of it as such a tool too often.   I had to learn and teach myself ways to work with it,  as this wasn’t really in the ‘owners manual’, or at least I didn’t bother to read and understand it as such.
I compose a rough draft of images and notes and consider going to bed (3am is normally my latest aim for bedtime, if I’m up after that there isn’t much point in going to sleep).  So in attempting to power down I close out all my apps and programs and go look at my tarot cards again so that I can have an idea of what to look for tomorrow.   This time I don’t just look at the images but I read each interpretation in turn.  I will come back to this at the end of this article, but first I would like to share what distractions so caught my focus.  
The first was a video of a man being shot 10 times in the stomach at close range with a high powered rifle and living to tell about it ,  the second a propaganda video encouraging women to bleed freely in an act of protest against taxes on tampons.  

The first video portrays several Italian men doing human testing for some sort of armored vest.  I have not been able to research or determine what kind of vest this is but it is one of the most intense things Ive ever seen.  One Italian man allows another to shoot him in the abdomen ten, count them TEN, times with an AK47 at close range and barely even flinches.  Linked here is an article I found with a similar video and here the inital video I saw. 

Now a friend on my shared this video on facebook tagging some of friends and I read their comments while forming my own thoughts, here is a screen shot of where I ended up doodling over the identifying information.  


My inital comment that I did not actually post (because it turned into this blog) is as follows:
5.  He is also very trusting in the gunman because the gunman continued to shoot in the same area the entire time.  All, what, 10 rounds went in the same general area of the middle, not out too far to the: sides, top, or bottom.  No, he kept them all towards the middle so with any lesser grade of armor they would have seriously messed up with the integrity of the vest, but that didn’t even happen.  This advancement is pretty insane to me as a civilian with NO formal gun knowledge.

My follow up thoughts were:

What is this material?  How many deserving lives might be saved from savage shootings by these men’s brave testing! Why do we live in a world where this would even ever be necessary.  I picture zombie-esk killers in attack mode wearing this just as much as I picture armed military defending freedoms and justice.   I found it truly inspiring that the first 5 shots (in the inital video linked above) formed a cross in this man’s literal shield of armor. 


As you can see I’ve highlighted how I see the cross as well as the beginning arc above it, which reminds me of several things: the Wheel of Fortune -that bad times are replaced by good times and we all go through cycles of each, Justice – a never exact or perfect science but rather a pure intent at equal exchange, and The Sun – where a partnership or trust between human beings can result in a physical or emotional healing (as the sun can feed us vitamins) also it resembles a loose representation of the tree of life.   These things are all very interesting to me but perhaps not hyper relative to this specific post. 
What is pertanent is that an amored vest such as this exist and while I am glad and fearful at the same time that it does,  if I ever encounter someone or something that has balls big enough to come at me like that,  I can only hope I would be in a tank ready to pull the biggest dick move I can think of and shoot that mother f’er right through the brain.  Ironically enough,  as I think you can see,  my mind (and I’m sure others) was blown in viewing this.  

Moving on to the second video. I’ve run across this kind of video a few times.  Here is a link to the article that was the basis for the video I watched; complete with incredible silly yet oddly supportive video about the natural occurrence of a women’s cycle.
I’m sorry but let me lay down a bit of truth here. There are other ways to handle a bleeding session other than a tampon or pad that are far less costly.  Here is just one alternative the Divacup .  Yes, it might seem gross but if the issue that is up for protest really is a 5% tax and the upset caused by the average $18,000 women spend on tampons in their lifetime (as stated in the original video that sparked this post), than options like the DivaCup completely solve this problem. As it clearly states in the Q&A the cost is right around $40 a year and dependant on care and condition it is really up to the user how often they chose to replace their cup.  So let’s do a bit of simple rounded mathing here for the ladies who want to throw a (literal) bloody fit outside of government buildings:
Age of early onset of menstruation: 10
Average age of menopause: 50
Females bleed for around 40 years. According to the protest video
tampon and pad average cost per lifetime – $18,000
Single reusable Divacup – $40, replaced annually for 40 years amounts to a $1,600 cost for the lifetime of an average woman’s menses. 
To be clear tampons: $18,000.
Divacup: $1,600
Lifetime savings: $15,400

If women would try to educate and try alternative methods (granted they will not work for all women) they wouldn’t even have to buy tampons taxed or not taxed FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.  They are taxed because they are the easiest, most ‘seemingly’ clean option; in short it is a ladies laziest route to handle our bodies every month.   No, we shouldn’t be taxed for taking the easy way out of a situation, really,  none of us want, but to bleed on yourself in a down right childish way in public to address you’re argument is unacceptable behavior.  I feel the same way about parents who allow their children to throw a fit and piss on me at the grocery store because their tyrant parent won’t let them have their desert right this very second and instead insist they wait until they have had a proper meal.   Of course assuming the child doesn’t have a mental condition and is in fact being a complete brat. 
Tampons ARE a luxury item,  and just because they are: the most popular, widely known, accepted, preferred,  and used option does not change the fact that they are not the ONLY option, in fact it doesn’t even mean that they are our best option, merely the only one we have been familiarized with.   Get over yourself and find better solutions to your problems than publicly disgracing yourself and making countless people, both male and female disgusted and uncomfortable. I sincerely hope and believe I am not alone in my opinion of this ridiculous ‘act of protest’. 

Okay so we made it through both of my distracted opinion posts, in order to share these views with you in a professional mannor I had to utilize the tools on my phone and my brain in ways I had never done before which brings us back  to my daily Tarot cards.




This interpretation speaks directly to what I was attempting to do in the first place.  I’m aware that when completed I will need to be able to defend my thesis, which is why I am so dedicated to finishing it properly…even with distracting blog posts. These two images are screen shots from the full version CBD TAROT DE•MARSEILLE app available for purchase through Google play store.


This second card and interpretation speak to the fact that I was going to work on my thesis and that I would still be able of doing so but in an unexpected manor.  Putting myself out there and hoping by luck I would be able to express this all in a way readers could follow.   However heavy winded my writing style may be,  and this style of connecting seemingly random things into a cohesive thought is most likely what hints at a previous life. These images are screen shots from my free CBD TAROT DE•MARSEILLE app available from Google Play Store.

This last card is my overall outlook for today.

The message for today illudes to the fact that I have what I believe to be very valid opinions and that I really do enjoy sharing them and need to allow room for that in my life.

The second part of the interpretation speaks of the obstacles I have faced in the past in not being able to convey my opinions in a relatable way. The fresh prespective relates to the differing options for handling facts about being a woman. 

Making new plans and strategies is the new way in which I have discovered to use the tools already at my disposal. Commiting and dedicating myself to this opportunity to develop and do what I feel is the right thing is key to posting this blog. These screen shots are taken from my full version Galaxy Tarot app, again, available at the Google play store.

So after reading the interpretations I had a huge light bulb go of in my brain that what I had just done was an exact example of what these cards had meant. Now, this was NOT what I had intended to be doing it was just me going about my normal way of working. I got distracted and rolled with what spoke to me at that moment not intending for it to be anything more than a like here or a comment there and it naturally bloomed into all this which of course was what the cards were saying was in store for me today.   Funny how that works.   This is the exact kind of example I would need in my thesis to help explain how having a self set of images/signs/guide posts (whatever they may be) and paying some level of attention when they happen to manifest in one’s life can result in the composition of one’s passions and joys.    So in not working on my thesis I was able to compose a key element for my thesis to be truly successful AND was able to find some new and differnt tools in order to express myself in a more cohesive mannor, hopefully being able to reach MORE people with my concept. This is an example of how tarot can work in a daily basis, or at least how it does for me.
If you are still with me and like this kind of entry and would like to see more please feel free to like,  comment,  share, and enjoy this post!
Thanks for reading!

Love Always, ~Mmle Peepers

Things I wish I could say

Things I wish I said outloud:
“Dear overly friendly/noisey/helpful lady employee stationed at the self check out at walmart,
     Yes, I do have my kids with me and why yes they are; adorable, well spoken, generally well behaved, smart young persons.  This does not mean that I, as their mother, want you to come hover over me as I am checking out my groceries and instructing my kids on how to be helpful to mommy right now.  Nor does this mean I want you to engage in coversation with my 4 year old who will proceed to tell you; all the different ages he has been, how he got his 2 latest scrapes, which 3 of the 7 days of the week he can remember etc all while picking stuff out of the cart and attempting to hand it to me or scan it himself.  This will only cause you to come closer to me and I like my personal space, it will also cause you to ask me to interpret what he is saying for you because he is of 4 year old height and voice and, well, you are not.  Then do not proceed to reach into my cart and hand him things that you think align with what I want to scan and bag next.  This IS NOT HELPFUL!
I generally enjoy the self checkout because I am admittedly OCD and selectively anti-social.  I am attempting to ballance a budget, a list, meals, scanning, and bagging things so that when I have to carry them into my house, up my steps, and into their respected places it is in the upmost effecient manner (let me repeat I am OCD, which means not only am I compelled to do it this way I also get a slight bit of a rush when this is completed sucessfully). YOU ARE RUINING IT!   I go to self check out to AVOID small chat with nosiey clerks who want to put in their 2 cents to my children about how to behave or what to say or whether or not santa is real.  I take ever opportunity to teach my kids in an active environment all the little things I possibly can.  I don’t need to think about how you are ruining things you didnt even realize were going on in their lives in the past few minutes that I will have to go right around and correct and re-teach while simultaneously scrutunizing how you bag my items. It does not make me feel like a nice person. Hence the love of self check out.  SO STOP IT! They are my minions and I believe I’m doing a damn good job with them.  Now get your grubby hands off my provolone, listen to me when I look you in the face and tell you I got this and back the eff off!!

The assertive in person lady who resorts to this passive-aggressive notewriting of truth when you don’t listen ”

Love Always, ~Mle


Guys I’m about to lay down my truth on the *the dress*.  Im posting this here instead of on FB because I know that while I find it absolutely Ah-mazing, I respect that there are others who are tired of it already, or think it detracts from more important issues and thats fine I can even agree with that, however here is how I feel about it:
The dress itself does not really matter, the color of the dress is not the point.  The point of its existence (again how I choose to see it) is that we are all different; we are all wrong, we are all right, we are all BOTH at the same time and seperately, AND are NEITHER at the same time and seperately.  And that is perfect.  We can choose to fight about this, and that is right for some to do, and we can choose to joke about it, and that is right for some, and we can choose to ignore it altogether, and that too is right. 
The dress is a like an anadrome: a word that reads a different word from left to right or right to left.  If someone reads the opposite as yourself, due to culture background, dyslexia, etc does it change who they are or who you are? I do not think so, but perhaps you do.

The concept behind the dress is a tool for meta-perception.  How you view yourself.  We have to see how we see things.  And this is a wonderful tool for learning about ourselves, others, and the world we live in, and it can also mean nothing.  ; ) I absolutely love this and while some dont, I have no issue with that, in fact I say kudos I can agree with you! Where is the rule that says if you have a perception that works for you that this automatically means you absolutely cannot completely understand/grasp what the other peson perceives and still hold on to your own? I believe to my core that I can see anothers point and agree that that is true and yet see my point and see that it is true as well.  For me there is no problem here. 

I believe Voltaire said:
“I may not agree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to say it” 
I’ll say this:
“I may not see what you see, but understand how you can see it”

Truth is that all possibilities exist AND don’t.  Its entirly your choice! Love this!

For future refrence if you are unfamiliar with the *the dress* phenomenon you can check out this article here the dress.  ; )

Love Always, ~Mle

The Number 13

Let us take a look at why the number 13 can be so unsettling to some people.  First off it does not seem to fit into our ‘perfectly rounded’ sense of earth and time.  There are 12 hours on a clock and 24 in a day, which as we know is a duplicate of 12.  There are 12 months in our year and 12 zodiac signs that correlate to those months, even if they aren’t perfect they work. It would seem to me that the natural aversion to the number 13 might be based in our understanding of time.  We are trying to place it into our proportionate timing before we grasp what it means.   So lets take a step back from what we think we know and try to give 13 a chance to explain itself then we can see if it might have a place in time.

I want to look at the numbers 1, 2, and 3.  1 is a symbolization of the encompassing whole.  You can think of it on a large scale as in: 1 universe, or small scale: 1 person.  It takes everything that might be smaller than it and collects it together into a tight knit concept that our rationalizing brains can grasp.  For when you really think about it 1 is never really just 1.  1 is really comprised of an indefinite combination of numbers we haven’t even ever conceived necessary to our minds.  Like .098653258976458913578… is part of the number 1, but we look to number 1 as a safe estimate, a common understanding that we can all start from.  The number 1 takes us to the number 2 by implying that if we have found a starting place than there is somewhere to go.  2 is a coupling, it is 1 and another 1.  We recognize that there are 2 by the fact that there are similarities between them and this is seen in reflections.  3 then brings them together by showcasing differences, it in effect the combining of two opposing forces.  It is only in 3 that the 1 and 2 can coexist.  For if we only saw how things were the same we would not be able to differentiate 1 for another.

Looking closer at the number 3 we can see that it is the first time we can create a geometric shape, the triangle.  1 is a line, 2 is a ray, 3 is the connector.  If we think of a compass we know that to create a circle the 2 lines (or a ray) must connect onto something, for this example a piece of paper in order to create a circle.  The 3 is that piece of paper.  It is not a physical tool and does not have a physical example, like 1 and 2 do, but rather is the ‘other’.

Now if you are facing a mirror, what do you see?  You see yourself, well 2 of you…kinda.  You know that there is only one you, but that reflection looks just like you doesn’t it?  In this example we can see that there is a you, a not you, and that not you is you as well.  This is the trinity essence.

In a real life situation we look at what another person has done to us and evoke an emotion about that person/situation.  However to really understand you have to objectively asses not only what you have done, or how you feel, but also why.  Once you can understand why you have done things then you can begin to understand why someone else would do things that they do.  This process is part health and well being of our psyches.  It is a third aspect along with the conscious and unconscious and by working with it you can find balance and feel more whole, more like 1.

I would like to bring in the idea of a macro and a micro as it applies to us and spirit.  There is something greater than us out there, you can call it what you’d like but there is something that connects to us, and we connect to it.  Our bodies are OF here, they are of this physically realm, but our core being; our soul, our spirit, our truth is something greater than just the physical combination of atoms and molecules.  We spend most of our lives so focused on here that we forget to focus on our own being.  If we can understand and work with the essence inside of ourselves by accepting the 3rd as a balance, than we can understand the world we live in.  I am by no means suggesting that we should ignore the world our bodies inhabit in actually I am trying to say the opposite.  That it is through understanding ourselves, that we can understand our spirit, that we can understand the world.

I pointed out the idea of macro and micro, to help better explain the ideas of ‘a living Death’ and a ‘death of life’ from my previous post.  You could apply the idea of our bodies dying ‘death of life’ on a micro scale, and the idea that our psyche’s process of a ‘living Death’ on a macro scale (or really vise versa as I do not believe one is better than another).  If you can understand the process of our psyche’s need to change as a ‘living Death’ you can apply this understanding across to the ‘death of life’.  Time is a concept of our physical world so it would align in this example with a ‘death of life’.  There comes a point where life gives way to death and that point is the number essance 3.

Let us say before the beginning there was everything and nothing encompassed together, as what we would call 1.  Now 1 has everything within, but cannot know anything because it is all the same.  So, 1 split into 2 and in doing so 1 is equally divided into two parts.  This does not mean that 1 no longer exist, just that it existed as an entity all on its own and now exists within each of the 2 (trinity).  From one (of the two) the 1 can only see wisdom, and from the other (of the 2) the 1 can only see knowledge.  It is not until the 1 accepts that the 2 will never be 1 again, that 1 can finally see through both of the 2 creating a 3rd connection within itself, understanding.

Perhaps it is when we place the 1 and the 3 in conjuncture with each other that the concept that comes across subliminally is that all 3 are of 1.  It is a hard concept to wrap your head around but when it does finally sink in, it opens up your awareness and in a way you will never be the same again.

I like to use this idea quite a bit when I’m working on theories or attempting to understand something myself.  In Tarot we have a card that has a picture with a bottom and a top so when it comes out upside down it is generally known as a reversal.  You could simple look at this as one side is a positive and one side is a negative, and there is nothing wrong with that method, as they are still both a part of the greater 1 of the card.  Rather I like to see that there is a common ground between both an upright and a reversal that applies to both ways of interpreting it.  13 is a reminder that to you MUST look through all viewpoints in order to understand, things in our time.

Death XIII

I would like to preclude that it is not my intention to devalue the emotional heartache of the loss of a loved one.  In this article it is my hope to share an understanding in the terms of Tarot what is  ‘a living Death’, and why this writer would interpret it as natural change, or transition.  The same theories and explanations could indeed be translated and applied to a death of life, as I will attempt to share.  If you, dear reader, find this applicable to any aspect of your life or death (yes, I went there) than I thank you for reading with all my heart.

Universal truths; we live, we die.  We call ourselves living creatures but are we not just as much dying creatures?  We focus on life as if it were alone and not completely perfectly paired with its counterpart; death.  We KNOW that we will die, it is one thing we can be ABSOLUTELY sure of and yet not only do we forsake this *God* given knowledge, we abhor it.  We do this because we do not know what comes after.  We can theorize, hypothesize, even believe with every single atom of our earthly bodies, but we can not know what happens after we die.  After the act of death comes the unknown.  Here is the kicker though, when we do die and when we are dead then we will have knowledge of the unknown.  To put this into one of my favorite quotes (and if you don’t know where this is from, well I fear you’ve missed something great) “I open at the close”.  As a matter of fact in one of my most favorite Tarot decks of all time (Tarot of the Old Path) card number 13 ‘Death’ is titled ‘The Close’.  It is when we shut (close) one door that we can fully be in another room.

Death XIII

The thirteenth card of the Major arcana of a deck of Tarot cards can be a source of stress for many people.  I have had people refuse to be read, not because they truly are not interested in the insight Tarot might have to offer them, but simply because they do not want to be told they are going to die (which is infuriating as a Tarot reader, see above paragraph).  It is one of the first cards I look to when choosing to purchase a new deck as it helps to determine what purpose the deck might serve.  If I encounter a deck that has a bright, colorful Death card where a grim reaper is either not the main focus (example above) or completely absent, I know that it has less chance of scaring of a potential client if it comes up in their first reading ever.  I also know that one that is bright but still maintains a semblance of a reaper can be used for less squeamish clients.  If I come across a very ominous Death card that speaks to me, I generally keep that deck for personal use.  Even before I have met a client I am already concerned with their well being and attempting to do whatever I can to alleviate as much stress as is possible.   However this coddling is not met with respect or understanding and in writing this perhaps an eye or two may be opened.  I often hear (although not in the nice words I’m about to paraphrase with) ‘how can Tarot be good if it can tell someone they can die’. Tarot is a representation of our life’s experience so it would be untrue and incomplete without the most basic truth. ‘Well I’m just afraid’.  Yet when I ask what it is that they fear, hoping to walk someone slowly into a knowledge, they cannot sat.  So why do you fear it?


To answer this we have to look straight at fear for what it is, was, and should be.  Fear is a primal instinct, it can be seen as a reaction to the unknown, in a time where the unknown could kill you.  Mother animals feeding their offspring in the woods hear a noise. How do they know to protect their young, either by getting them to safety or fighting a potential UNKNOWN predator? Fear instructs them to do so.  Fear is a part of our natural instincts to survive, if something is unknown to us then we as creatures infer that it is a predator and that makes us the prey.  A key point we fail to use is distinction; for example death (in my opinion) is not the exact same thing that a predator would do to its prey. A predator would kill: extinguish, end, the prey for reason of food for self survival.  Death is a transition from known to unknown.

This is a key that we utilize to recognize, to differentiate, what is a real threat vs. a perceived one.  In the age that we currently live in there is an ever expansive vastness of things to know, and with this ‘knowledge’ there is an equally abundant amount of things we do not know.  We have kept out primal instincts, the ones that meant to keep us alive, and have felt fear every time we recognize something we do not know.  This does not mean that we are prey and that everything unknown to us is out to eat us alive, but that is how we feel…isn’t it? We have taken fear from its rightful, useful, place as an instinct and elevated it to emotion status where it truly is not of any use to us. Our idea of ‘fear’ as emotions, of any emotion, is linked to our knowledge and concepts of self.  So it becomes difficult to embrace our lives because ‘fear’ holds us back.  It is not an easy task to put ‘fear’ back into its box, but it is far better than the stagnating freeze that seems to grasp our lives and it is where it belongs.

What conquers the emotion we call ‘fear’ is understanding, but first we have to differentiate the primal fear from the emotional one.  When you want something but ‘fear’ it, be honest with yourself; is it going to kill you?  Not will it hurt, or is it really worth it, or I am unsure of what to do; those are (good) questions you can ask later.  First ask if it WILL KILL YOU?    By answering this simple question you are, indeed, facing death,  You did not know, you came to a point, an end, a close, a (GASP) death of not knowing, and you now know (what was once) unknown.  It is a temporary death, a living death, a fearless death.  You have changed from who you were before you asked, you have gone through a transition and can now being the journey of understanding.

Death is an end, a close, a change from one thing to another, a transition.  In a reading it can be relevant to everything, when put into context, because EVERYTHING changes.  Death (as well as birth/life) is all around us, all the time;  our brains when learning make new synaptic connections, our skin cells fall off, we feel different from moment to moment.  When it comes to having your cards read, if ever you considered it; please remove your primal fear.  I swear to you, at least on my watch, that a card stock picture, with or without the grim reaper, is not going to kill you.  I would love to guarantee that it never alludes to a death of life, but given that we are all dying it is bound to happen under the right circumstances; like if you are terminal and come asking for comfort, or if you have lost a loved one.  In a daily reading it is way more likely that the card of Death if referring to ‘a living death’ the kind that happens all around you.


Raider-Waite Tarot

If you have followed me this far, thank you! I’d would like to share a personal experience as an example of how ‘a living death’ has affected me in real life, and how I have come to understand it.  It might make it easier to imagine that I encountered the card of death in the beginning of this tale.  As while the actual tarot card of death was not present, the concept of Death, as I interpret it with Tarot, is.  For me, all cards in the Tarot are; symbols, place holders, representations of real life events, circumstances, or (more often when I read for myself) actions that are happening within the psyche.

When I was in elementary school my grandparents passed.  I cannot say I if I was mourning, I was at an age where the ego was still the base for my primary existence, what I can say is I found that the act of death applied to me.  I would die, I would die soon, I knew this truth.  It did not scare me because it was fact, possibly the first real fact my conscious brain had accepted, it did however affect me in innumerable ways.  My concept of soon was a few years, meaning in elementary school I doubted I would live to see middle school and positive I would not live to see high school.  In my mind I had convinced myself of this, held it as mutually factual as death itself, and yet I did not fear.  I did however feel more, emote more, learn more, express more, make the ‘right’ choices, listen to my parents, care for others as best as I could, forgive more, apologize sooner, love deeper.  I am not saying I was perfect, after all I was a kid but I can attribute all of those positive actions directly to the concept of death.

I made it though middle school and I entered high school. I did well in classes and studies because I enjoyed it, but I did not adjust well, after all wasn’t I supposed to be dead?  My sister went to a psychic and was told (and told me) that I would die in a red 2 door sports car.  Now had I had been someone else I might have passed this off as malarkey, but being who I am and knowing what I knew I accepted it as a highly likely possibility.  Nearly everyone of my friends that drove, had their own vehicles, had:  you guessed it, red (okay well one was pink) 2 door sports cars.

So as sophomore year came around I became depressed, and severely confused.  Depressed because I would not speak to anyone about this.  I did not believe or trust that anyone around me (family, friends, counselors, pastors) could fathom my the concept of death as something to be naturally accepted, and not superimpose upon me that I wanted to die.  These are different.  As more time passed I became more and more confused as to why I was living, it was not until now that I began to fear.  I feared I was wrong, I feared that death would not come for me.  This idea was foreign, corrupt, wrong and I struggled hard to keep my head in reality as it spun out of control.  I had what I would term a psychotic break during this year, I spent a week in bed, practically catatonic, in pain that steamed from my core.  I began to have anxiety attacks.  I had not prepared to live, I had prepared to die.  I had never considered a future with me in it.  While others were planning their academics in order to get into college and into the career of their choosing, I was awaiting the end.  I had only retained information that interested me, or I felt was worth taking (if I got to take anything) in death, not what might be important to a life.  While others had figured out who were their friends and where their place was by means of realizing what hurt and what felt right, I had just let go of most emotions, especially ones that hurt, because they were not needed where I was going.

The next two years I struggled to catch up with ‘the living’.  I became overwhelmed with attempting to handle life. I got a job. I attempted to cram everything that might be important in later life into my brain all at once.  I missed what was actually going on around me.  I held a long term relationship for most of high school and did not really understand what that meant. I tried to figure out what the next step was.  I did not have a supporting adult I felt I could run too.  I was no longer was on the same level as my peers, they were ready or they didn’t care.  I asked questions.  I was too late.  After high school ended, I was lost.  I watched everyone I’d know go one of two ways, away to college or headed to nowhere, neither of which did I feel I could go.  I worked and my plan was to work until I figured it out.  The place I was working at shut down and only gave us 2 weeks notice.  I ran.  I ran to Florida with a friend, who’s family I felt close too.  Who I hoped would teach me how to get into college and do something with my life.  I ended up caring for people, in one way or another, mostly without compensation.  People seemed to see that I cared for others lives more than I cared about my own, and since this was true I allowed it to consume me.  Changes were hard because I would only change when the pain of my existence became too much.

Finally after about a year I was given a sign that called me home (more on that in another article).  I went home and returned to my previous long term relationship, like nothing had ever happened.  While riding in the passenger seat of his, you guessed it, red 2 door sports car, he told me what I was to be to him.  For the first time in my life someone had told me in one quick passing sentence what I had allowed my life to mean.  I felt different.  I had allowed myself to simply be whatever any once else required of me, and in not distinguishing myself from the purposed I was serving for others I had in essence not truly existed as myself.  I had also let this ability be utilized by persons who would take from we what they needed, without ever giving anything positive back into me.  I had ended up surrounded by people who did not reflect my inner; love, joy, hope, loyalty, ideals, etc.  to no fault of their own, for just as I was unaware until that moment, I am sure (most) were just as unaware.

Years later I looked back at this moment and thought a part of me died that day; the part that accepted all negative reflections even if they were not my own.  I can also see that it was a day of transformation; that it is my choice to reflect that which is inside me.  It was also a day understanding; that there would always be times that I will reflect things that appear to be outside of me, but that I could grasp their true meaning within.  I experienced awareness of myself, not just as someone who would die one day, not as a projection, but someone who could change who could die and be born at the same time.  I could do anything.  This was a moment of death for me, and by the believing that the moment would happen, within a red 2 door sports car, I was not able to ignore the signs when it happened.

My point in this telling this story is two-fold.  One is to share the kind of person I have always been, but more-so to show that sometimes when death comes along it means something totally different than what we automatically assume it means.  I knew in elementary school death was change, was unknown, but I did not understand that it was not always an ultimate finality.  As well as to share that death is not something you need to fear, or to cling too, because it happens to us all.

I believe we learn a self truth when we can see how one concept of nature can be reflected from a macro to a micro, and vice verse, and then applied to our experience.  For me this means: death (weather living of final body) brings new knowledge, there is life after (and because of) death.  We just cannot know it until we are there.  So when you find yourself accosted by a fear, face it, it probably isn’t going to kill you.  In fact you might just encounter Death, and like it.